What to Expect: Rules for Living In A Pressure Cooker: “
So.
Your spouse has filed for divorce and she wants you to move out.
Wisely, you have elected to move to the attic, basement or spare room (possibly even the back shed . . . just kidding), but in any event, you are still In Possession of the Premises that you (hopefully) own jointly with your spouse as tenants by the entireties (that’s legalese in Maryland legal lingo for the most common form of joint ownership of real property by married persons). If you are the rare person who does NOT own your house as tenants by the entireties, forget about this post and run, do not walk, to the best divorce lawyer you can find.
A lot of very strange things happen in this demilitarized zone. Like, it can become militarized when your spouse tries to take out a protective order against you, and fails. You go back home, and what then?
Or your spouse didn’t go quite that far, but she’s making your life a living hell.
Whatever happens or doesn’t happen in this bizarre divorce purgatory, here are a few guidelines on what to do and not do to get out of this in one piece:
First: DO NOT ENGAGE!!!!
I can’t emphasize this strongly enough. At times, it may be necessary to simply stop speaking. Whatever you do, don’t react. If you MUST respond, there are two foolproof verbal responses to any manipulative, provocative gauntlets that get tossed your way. They are drawn from the book, ‘Anger,’ by Thich Nacht Hahn (Riverhead Books, 2001) (you might pick this up and check it out, it’s very helpful for living in a pressure cooker).
Reaction One: ‘Perhaps.’
Reaction Two: ‘Is that so?’
Don’t let any other word pass your lips when she’s calling you everything but Satan’s Spawn. It’s actually pretty funny. The nuttier your spouse is, the more this affects her. You might actually be able to watch her blowing up like a balloon as her desire to get you to react continues to fail. Think about that scene in ‘Charlie and the Chocolate Factory,’ where the kid balloons up like a blueberry. The madder she gets just put her face on Violet Beauregarde, smile sweetly, and when she calls you #$@#$, say, ‘Perhaps.’ Violet Beauregarde This really IS the best way to deal with irrational anger.
Keep your hands in your pockets and your voice recorder at hand at all times. If she goes off, pull it out, turn it on, and say, loudly and clearly, ‘Dear, I am recording this conversation now.’ Download and store the contents daily and be sure your lawyer has a digital copy. If she moves toward you, move away from her. And NEVER, EVER, EVER engage in a loud verbal dispute when your children are present. Walk away. Walk away. ‘Perhaps, dear,’ or, ‘Is that so, love of my life?’ My boyfriend who used to say to his ex, ‘I didn’t know you had a problem with alcohol, Mary! I’ve never heard you speak so.’ Worked like a charm.
Second: Keep a Detailed Log.
If you have a lawyer, insist that he or she keep a record of your log in your client file. You may need it if you have to file an affidavit about the facts of what is going on in your world.
Third: Offload!
Okay, this does NOT mean you permanently get rid of stuff. No. It means you make copies of every paper in the house while you still can, and give all those copies to your lawyer. Put everything back the way you found it. Don’t take what is not yours, no matter how tempting it may be.
Fourth: Keep an Emergency Bag in Your Car
Unfortunately, when you’re living in the pressure cooker, you can’t control when or if it’s going to blow. If it does (by that, I mean your wife files false allegations of domestic violence against you) be prepared. Have a place you can stay for a week lined up, have an overnight bag in your car. Be sure there is NOTHING in your home you want to keep, especially in the way of documents.
More soon about proposed Maryland legislation to put a lid on the filing of false allegations of domestic violence.
Source for Post Maryland Father’s Rights Blog.
